How to make brownies in thirty five easy steps

Step one, turn on the oven. 
No, step one is to read the box

Step two is to gather your things

The oven is third. Set at a temperature. Guess if necessary. 

Fourth is to try and open the box. Beat as needed 

Step five: pour the dry ingredients into too small of a bowl 

The sixth step is to transfer your powdery mess into a bigger bowl. 

Pop the eggs in. Shells are harmless and add texture. This is your seventh step. 

Eighth is to mix. Make a mess. All good cooks make messes

Nine: shoo the dog from the kitchen. Chocolate is bad for him. 

Step ten is to hunt for your pan. Rummage until found. 

Cursing when you find it under the dirty dishes is step eleven

Wash the pan. This is step twelve. 

Skip the thirteenth step. It is unlucky. 

Grease the pan in a futile attempt to keep the brownies from sticking

Fifteen: go back and pencil in the number fourteen in the above step. 

Step the sixteenth is to pour the batter in the pan. Be sure to run your fingers in the leftover batter and taste for quality control. 

For the seventeenth step, place the pan ceremoniously into the oven. 

Set your timer for the eighteenth step and go relax. 

Read a good book for the nineteenth step. Or is this the twentieth since I told you to do two things in your last step?

Step the twenty first requires you to turn the television on. You'll be able to hear the timer beep, I promise. 

Respond to the smoke alarm with panic for the twenty second step. 

Feel free to use the twenty third step to turn the alarm off 

Twenty four: pull the dog out from under the couch to stop him howling. 

Go pull the brownies out for the twenty fifth step. They should be done now. 

Step twenty six is to not make a joke about 'char'-colate since puns are in bad taste 

Give the brownies to the dog to hide the evidence in step twenty seven. 

With haste, remove the brownies from the dog. Didn't we agree in step nine chocolate was bad for him? This is the twenty eighth step. 

Step twenty nine requires you to turn the oven off since it is a foul piece of witchcraft that turns food into charcoal. 

Thirty: dispose of the briquettes in the trash. 

Pity the trash can for having to hide your mistakes. Take out the trash for step thirty one. 

32: mourn the lack of brownies. 

For the thirty third step, contemplate trying again. 

Step thirty four: admit the obvious and go buy brownies from the store. 

Thirty five: take credit for baking them.