Echoes

There is an emptiness in my chest.
My prayers echo through the once-living void.
I run from life's dilemmas without rest,
but I cannot be lifeless like a 'droid.
My heart is aching but I show no pain.
How can I show the world a happy face
when inside my mind the weather is rain?
The rain feels cold like sleet in any case
and freezes my soul. When will summer come?
I long for warmth and happiness to bloom
but seasons wander like the setting sun.
How cursed am I to fall into this gloom!
I pray that God comes soon to heal my heart
because He shapes the worthless into art

The heartless ape

That monkey is off my back.
That wretched baboon!
I'm finally free!
There's a difference between sin and tragedy.

That wretched baboon!
It wasn't enough that my life was over.
There's a difference between sin and tragedy.
Repetitious agony never set anyone free.

It wasn't enough that my life was over.
No, I lived the past at night and dreamed in day.
Repetitious agony never set anyone free.
I wanted to scream until my lungs bled.

No, I lived the past at night and dreamed in day.
I beat myself with what might have been.
I wanted to scream until my lungs bled.
There seems to be no point in the past.

I beat myself with what might have been.
Does it matter? I'm trying to live.
There seems to be no point in the past.
God-set me free!

Does it matter? I'm trying to live.
A sudden epiphany:
God-set me free!
It happened at last.

A sudden epiphany:
I'm finally free!
It happened at last.
That monkey is off my back.

Empty, like a bottle

When I look at myself in the mirror,
after making out with some alcohol,
I can't help but hate what I have become.
A useless wretch stares back at me, haunted.
The monkey on my back, Satan's baboon,
whips me and beats me when I try to run.
The nothingness inside spreads like fire
consuming my will to survive past this.
I look at you and wonder sometimes why
you don't hate me the way I have deserved.
I've ruined my life, and yours along with it,
but you're still here by my side, loving me.
Chances given, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth,
seem as wasted as my ravaged body.
I do not know why I do what I do,
only that I cannot undo what's done.
Wretchedness perfumes my decaying state
and your love is the only thing that's pure.
Endless grace, like water to a parched tongue,
flowing over me from your outstretched hand,
washes the dirt from my battle scarred self.
I grasp for tomorrow, for my freedom
to be something more than a shattered shell.

From Within

A gnawing little weasel
burrowing in my stomach.
Acid pumping and burning
past my fortifications
weakening my heart and mind.
Ragged termite tunnels wend
from here to there in my soul.

Sonnet of the Beast

What beast inside of me has been released
to hunt and roam and kill as it sees fit?
It will not stop until it makes deceased
all of its foes; once they are dead it quits.
It roars and burns in raging hate,
consuming all within its crushing grip.
It snarls and slavers restlessly like fate;
unguided anger seeking bones to strip.
This beast from hell is in my skin and soul.
Part of me would slip its leash and laugh,
another part would not give up control
to let the beast consume on my behalf.
So here at last, my sin for all to see:
There is no beast inside, there's only me.

Night thoughts

Night births thoughts solemn in their quietude.
Darkness wraps around ideas and stills their flutter.
Beatitudes ring forth in repose, the cock crow of evening.

Sweet freedom

All the kings of Egypt were pussycats
compared to the tyrant that hold me enslaved,
for I cannot even think
without invoking my master's scourge.

He sows death in his fields and harvests me accordingly.

Oh, you should hear him scream
when the dove plucks me,
like seed from a furrow,
away from his grasp.

Sweet abolition of atonement tastes like cool water.

The rose, reaped

Scarlet petals drip,
like blood,
from the cut blossom.

Glassy dew falls,
like tears,
sparkling in descent.

Thorns claw for life,
desperate and ineffective,
while sap weeps bitter injustice.

Child of Judas

Who knew this child of Judas,
planted in the Potter's field,
would grow like grapes?

Who knew that this child of Jesus
had bitter iniquity
rotting inside?

Child of forgiveness and deceit,
love and betrayal within.
Child of two hearts.

Child of Judas, child of Jesus
torn between two ways of life.
Light and shadow.

Judas' child, born so bitter,
made sweet by the Son's light,
like grapes made good.

Jesus' child, born so alone,
made family by forgiveness
brought home again.

Masquerade

This mask, it falls away.



The plaster laughter falls, revealing the tears underneath.



And yet...



A shaky smile wavers under this rain.



To lose the tears means a stoic face.



Should I replace my mask and pretend like it never fell?



Never fell...

Never revealed myself...

Never showed you who I am...

Never see who you were...



Broken plaster, broken dreams, broken promises.



My heart is a bird with broken wings.



No matter how much I try to fly...try to soar...



I'm just beating myself to death.



What I love is killing me.



Come, Death, I await with open arms

Monochrome

Here I am
alone and broken and drained
lost and hurting and numb.
Where am I?
All the color is gone from my past
There are no memories that can sustain this
All I am, all I was, all I will be has faded
Monochrome.

But there You are, standing with arms wide.
You see me in all my shame, and love me anyway.
You make me not who I am.  I was less than nothing to the world, but everything to You.
You washed me clean, and picked me up.

Here I stand
Healed and filled and treasured
Found and loved and feeling.
Where am I?
Meaning is flooded into my being
There are no words to describe this
All I am, all I was, all I will be has been renewed
Alive

Desert soul

My thoughts, half-baked like desert clay,
ascend the arid stretch of reality,
reaching for truth, reaching for peace.
I fall again.

My prayers, gnarled secrets like oak roots,
dig deep into the murky mud of my soul,
reaching for purity, reaching for nourishment.
I fall again.

My eyes, sharp and cold like iron,
pierce the horizon of the world,
reaching for clarity, reaching for meaning.
I fall again.

Come, Lord Jesus, come.
Teach me peace, nourish with truth
give meaning and purity,
and pick me up again.

Paradox

Spiraling down,
The situation is lost.
What once was, will not be; what cannot happen, will.

An endless battle,
There will be no victor.
Those who would die, live; those who create, kill.

A storm of anger,
The heart is torn open.
Those who loved, hate; those who would hate, forgive.

Life grows anew,
True hope springs eternal.
Those who hibernate, awaken; those who would be lost, live.

You were wrong

There’s a sense of anguish deep inside
I cannot hide
If I tried.

A sense of anguish way down deep
bars me from sleep
while I weep.

I cannot stand this bloody halo anymore I’ve left from this realm walked out the door you’ll see this face never more I’m gone.


Your glares of hate mean nothing.
Your tears of shame will well.
This angel’s left for heaven,
Though you condemned me to hell.

There’s a sense of anger deep inside
I would not hide
For the tears I cried.

A sense of anger way down deep
I won’t put to sleep
I think I’ll keep.

I cannot stand this bloody halo anymore I’ve left this realm walked out the door you’ll see this face never more I’m gone.

Like vultures at a feast
You descended from the sky.
I’m resilient, strong and able,
Though you hoped I’d die.

Fear awakening

I am
the sword-shatter
the night clatter
the pitter-patter
of a breaking heart
I am
the owl cry
the storm sky
the 'God, why?'
of desperation
I am
the dark howl
the wolf's growl
the something foul
that makes you run
I am
the evil grin
the creeping sin
the shrieking din
of demons laughing

Desert blooms

Anxiety grows in my soul, a cactus in the desert.
Panic blooms with a whiskey burn, seeking no peace.
Storm clouds brew on the horizon while lightning flashes.
Ominous rumbles herald the storm, promising cold rain.
Thunderous guilt weighs down my heart and soul.
The storm front overtakes me with hissing and sputtering.
Dust washes off me and forgiveness refreshes my spirit.
The desert blooms, coming alive dressed in hope.

Dreams like trees

Dreams like trees
nurtured, sheltered, grown
planted in fertile soil
in hope and ability sown.

Chance like lightning
hot, merciless, death
fire forking from the sky
rending our dreams in a breath.

Pain like flames
destruction, agony, despair
burning through our lives
choking smoke obscures the air.

New hope like seeds
striving, reaching, spreading
takes hope in our ashes
pushing back the dark dreading

Dreams like trees
bigger, stronger, truth
rooted within our sooty ground
more resistant to the flames of youth.

The Vet Tech's voice

I am the guardian
of where 'I love you' means goodbye.
I know the pain that's ripping through you,
it's okay to cry.

All their life they have loved you
freely with no condition.
It feels like you're betraying your friend
with this comission.

For years you were blessed with joy
that they can no longer share.
They hurt, it's true, but keep it inside,
hidden in their stare.

The journey's start, so long past
ends in tears in the clinic.
Euthanasia is never easy;
I'm not a cynic.

My tears will wait to fall down.
I'll do my duty to you.
Your friend's life is ending with no pain.
Their trials are through.

I am the guardian
of where 'I love you' means goodbye.
This role is never an easy one;
even vet techs cry.

Memories

Memories of smells
chittering like bats
secret thoughts hanging
head-down and perverse
snapping up good moods
like tiny mosquitoes
the flock tumbling
jumbling the sky
half-forgotten things
flying free tonight

No Trespassing

Stay out of my dreams.
You aren't welcome there.
These dreams are my thoughts.
They aren't yours to share.

Get out of my head.
I don't want to think
about you and me
and my armor's chink.

Leave my heart alone.
You aren't mine at all.
Don't you dare text me,
and don't try to call.