Instructions on living, abridged

Laugh like a lunatic
Love like a child
Grow like a weed
In a garden gone wild

Forgive like a priest
Bend like a willow
Dream like a lover
Asleep on their pillow

Plan like a fiend
Trust like a dog
Hope like a sailor
Lost in the fog

Empty, like a bottle

When I look at myself in the mirror,
after making out with some alcohol,
I can't help but hate what I have become.
A useless wretch stares back at me, haunted.
The monkey on my back, Satan's baboon,
whips me and beats me when I try to run.
The nothingness inside spreads like fire
consuming my will to survive past this.
I look at you and wonder sometimes why
you don't hate me the way I have deserved.
I've ruined my life, and yours along with it,
but you're still here by my side, loving me.
Chances given, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth,
seem as wasted as my ravaged body.
I do not know why I do what I do,
only that I cannot undo what's done.
Wretchedness perfumes my decaying state
and your love is the only thing that's pure.
Endless grace, like water to a parched tongue,
flowing over me from your outstretched hand,
washes the dirt from my battle scarred self.
I grasp for tomorrow, for my freedom
to be something more than a shattered shell.

The guitar player

Your Fred Astaire fingers dance on the frets,
pinning and striking to make your music.

You close your eyes and shed all your regrets,
lost in playing your soul's tonic.

The beauty in your hands captivates me.
I could care less about the tune you play.

Like an Indian's cobra-melody
I am entranced by your rhythmic display.

I love you, I hate you

It is as easy
to stop loving you
as it is to cease
my normal breathing.

It's as difficult
to stop hating you
as it is to not
let myself vomit.

The ache in my bones
when I try to stop
caring about you
is anguishing.

The agony of
detesting your acts
is a bilious
burn of gastric juice.

To love you is a pain
I cannot inflict.
To hate you is a pain
I cannot resist.

Like World War Two

A song played,
unheard since high school.
Memories blitzed me
like Panzers through Europe.

What was and what is
battled for my attention,
like dogfights or air raids,
for my conscious thought.

Regrets and disappointment,
hot like Dresden,
thin like Auschwitz,
Make bittersweet my triumph.

The mark of my generation,
the creation of me
was forged back in the day of days
like World War Two.

We were bold,
brazen like eagles or aces,
untested but unfettered,
ready to fight and win.

Our time together, fox-holed
in school, work, and life,
showed us trust in eyes
And backs that had ours.

No parades or medals for us.
We band of friends,
calm and carrying on,
met life like World War Two.

Sweet freedom

All the kings of Egypt were pussycats
compared to the tyrant that hold me enslaved,
for I cannot even think
without invoking my master's scourge.

He sows death in his fields and harvests me accordingly.

Oh, you should hear him scream
when the dove plucks me,
like seed from a furrow,
away from his grasp.

Sweet abolition of atonement tastes like cool water.

Thanksgiving

The scent of yeast rolls,
warm and promising
counter cranberry's tang.
Hearty casseroles and
delicate pies
dance a minuet
to the oven timer
while potatoes
bubble on, unaware.
Rich gravy crowns the bird
with crisp, gold skin
like holiday dreams
and winter promises
Fleeting drops of frost show
the cold staring hungrily
at the warmth inside
of a family in prayer.

Unconquerable

It matters not how straight the gait
Hensley once wrote for me.
The captain goes down with the ship;
it's inevitibility.

How charged with punishments the scroll
I know not, as if it mattered.
My head is still held high, Hensley,
though I am bruised and battered.

I still stand unconquered.
Master of fate am I;
stepped upon and persecuted,
but refusing to ever die.

The captain's rank is on my shoulder.
My command is this ship of blood.
Through drought and pain I'll stand,
through trial and through flood.

It matters not how straight the gait,
I know this much is true:
I will fight with every breath
until my life is through.

Who I want to be

Yesterday I was blind, and tomorrow I will be holy, but today I am under construction.

Yesterday I sinned, tomorrow I will be blameless, but today I am taking instruction.

How mighty is my God who makes broken things new!

Yesterday I fell, tomorrow I will be flying, but today I am standing up.

Yesterday I starved, tomorrow I will be feasting, but today I will be drinking your cup.

How mighty is my God who loves me like this!

Yesterday I lost it, tomorrow I'll have it all together, but today I am gathering resolve.

Yesterday I was an animal, tomorrow I will be heavenly, but today I am trying to evolve.

Love, actually

The truth is,
I love you madly, obsessively, completely
crazy and wild, mysterious,  and energetically.

Yet, if never again we met on this side of heaven,
would you shed a tear?

Wild nights,
crazy nights full of laughter and somber reflections of the heart
seeking ways to be loved in return.

And if that tear was shed in my memory
would there be smiles or remorse?

Heart's echoes
reverberate through the nothing and become something
coalesce into a longing desire.

Remember me fondly,
that I lived while I could, and loved you.

Masquerade

This mask, it falls away.



The plaster laughter falls, revealing the tears underneath.



And yet...



A shaky smile wavers under this rain.



To lose the tears means a stoic face.



Should I replace my mask and pretend like it never fell?



Never fell...

Never revealed myself...

Never showed you who I am...

Never see who you were...



Broken plaster, broken dreams, broken promises.



My heart is a bird with broken wings.



No matter how much I try to fly...try to soar...



I'm just beating myself to death.



What I love is killing me.



Come, Death, I await with open arms

Bullets in the chamber

Staring down time's barrel at the next bullet
 life is just the next chambered round
we dance
we strive
we seek
we find
 but what does it matter when the next bullet's fired?
 five, ten, fifteen, twenty
 so many shots, so many misses, so many hits
life keeps coming
old wounds keep bleeding
 will the next shot end it all
 or do we keep staring at the next bullet?

Seasons

See the shadows flicker;
See the figures dance.
See the people laughing;
Why don't I stand a chance?

I am who I want to be,
I can't be any more...
Yet while I stand here,
you walk out the door.

My life is dead. My life is cold. My life is winter, frozen and alone. Yet...

The frozen earth will bear no seed
until its broken by Man.
The germ is planted and will grow.
Do you think it can?

The flower will grow, it must.
Fed by love, watered with hope,
It spreads its leaves, tenative.
Through the darkness, toward the light I grope.

My life, once frozen, is becoming thawed. Cold tears run down my face. The hard earth is broken.

I reach upward. I climb
ever toward the Sun.
My heart is heavy with doubt,
but my journey has just begun.

For I am but a flower, silk petals
faded leaves, independance. Still...
I depend too...Earth, Water, Love, Sun.
From these I need to take my fill.

I'm warming up, I'm spreading out, I'm opening up, I'm reaching out to you.

But you leave me crushed and withered.
Dry and dead in the parching heat.
My support stiffens, trys to hold me up,
but I can't help slumping as if beat.

I try to stand, try to shine, try to care.
You are gone. I wilt, fade, die, languish.
Maybe I can grow again, maybe I'll just stay,
A wilted flower on the leaves, so full of anguish.

Paradox

Spiraling down,
The situation is lost.
What once was, will not be; what cannot happen, will.

An endless battle,
There will be no victor.
Those who would die, live; those who create, kill.

A storm of anger,
The heart is torn open.
Those who loved, hate; those who would hate, forgive.

Life grows anew,
True hope springs eternal.
Those who hibernate, awaken; those who would be lost, live.

You were wrong

There’s a sense of anguish deep inside
I cannot hide
If I tried.

A sense of anguish way down deep
bars me from sleep
while I weep.

I cannot stand this bloody halo anymore I’ve left from this realm walked out the door you’ll see this face never more I’m gone.


Your glares of hate mean nothing.
Your tears of shame will well.
This angel’s left for heaven,
Though you condemned me to hell.

There’s a sense of anger deep inside
I would not hide
For the tears I cried.

A sense of anger way down deep
I won’t put to sleep
I think I’ll keep.

I cannot stand this bloody halo anymore I’ve left this realm walked out the door you’ll see this face never more I’m gone.

Like vultures at a feast
You descended from the sky.
I’m resilient, strong and able,
Though you hoped I’d die.

Love

A fluttering beat,
a shuddering breath,
an unbelievable feeling.

A quick little smile,
a shy fleeting glance,
an instantly elated mood

A casual flirtation,
a quick affectionate kiss,
an omen of a perfect match.

Draw me close.
Hold my hand.
Forever, love me.
Forever, hold me.

No longer quick, no longer casual, no longer shy, still unbelievable.

I want to hold you.
I want to love you.
I want to hold your hand.
I want to draw you close.

Does your heart flutter?
Does your breath shudder?
Do you feel this unbelievable spark?

I do.

So sweet a dream

I dreamed last night about my death
and of entering Heaven's door,
You and I walking side by side
down the Elyssian shore.

We talked for hours, days it seemed
about life and all it's meaning.
But I awoke and lost it all,
the words gone with the dreaming.

I mourned the fall, the waking up,
the loss of Heaven's sea.
I cried the most for You, my God,
and Your sudden absence from me.

My day was dark and full of fear
How could I continue on my own?
Trepidation filled my heart,
but You were there; I was never alone.

You picked me up and carried me
and said "Be still, my lamb.
You needed a friend, a guide, a leader,
you should know: I AM."

I was overwhelmed by awe.
I could not say a word.
You were here, right next to me,
and I knew that You were Lord.

Together we walked my life
forever hand in hand.
I couldn't always see you there,
but I knew when You took a stand.

I stumbled still but did not fall,
a smile creased my face.
I know we'll walk the shore again
in that shining place.

I dreamed a dream so sweet last night
of You and me together.
I decided, then, to live my life
so my dream could last forever.

Desert blooms

Anxiety grows in my soul, a cactus in the desert.
Panic blooms with a whiskey burn, seeking no peace.
Storm clouds brew on the horizon while lightning flashes.
Ominous rumbles herald the storm, promising cold rain.
Thunderous guilt weighs down my heart and soul.
The storm front overtakes me with hissing and sputtering.
Dust washes off me and forgiveness refreshes my spirit.
The desert blooms, coming alive dressed in hope.

Renewed

This love for you consumes me
my will is not my own
This emotion has become me
this addiction overflows
This feeling overwhelms me
this love is not a choice
This compulsion overtakes me
I can only hear your voice
Your words alone direct me
I'm trapped within my skin
Your laws echo through me
and I'll never fall again

Dreams like trees

Dreams like trees
nurtured, sheltered, grown
planted in fertile soil
in hope and ability sown.

Chance like lightning
hot, merciless, death
fire forking from the sky
rending our dreams in a breath.

Pain like flames
destruction, agony, despair
burning through our lives
choking smoke obscures the air.

New hope like seeds
striving, reaching, spreading
takes hope in our ashes
pushing back the dark dreading

Dreams like trees
bigger, stronger, truth
rooted within our sooty ground
more resistant to the flames of youth.