Worship

At first, the words are simply words you sing.
They flit and tumble through the song and night
until they hit my ears and start to ring
with perfect truth that feels and sounds just right.
A thing inside my chest begins to break;
Is that my heart, like glass, that's fracturing?
A peace begins to overcome my ache
and makes so soft this sudden shattering.
Beyond the veil of my humanity
I catch the briefest glimpse of Heaven's peace.
So sweet the promise Christianity
upholds as our inheritance on lease
to tantalize our hearts and hold us fast
to God until our souls return at last.

Echoes

There is an emptiness in my chest.
My prayers echo through the once-living void.
I run from life's dilemmas without rest,
but I cannot be lifeless like a 'droid.
My heart is aching but I show no pain.
How can I show the world a happy face
when inside my mind the weather is rain?
The rain feels cold like sleet in any case
and freezes my soul. When will summer come?
I long for warmth and happiness to bloom
but seasons wander like the setting sun.
How cursed am I to fall into this gloom!
I pray that God comes soon to heal my heart
because He shapes the worthless into art

The heartless ape

That monkey is off my back.
That wretched baboon!
I'm finally free!
There's a difference between sin and tragedy.

That wretched baboon!
It wasn't enough that my life was over.
There's a difference between sin and tragedy.
Repetitious agony never set anyone free.

It wasn't enough that my life was over.
No, I lived the past at night and dreamed in day.
Repetitious agony never set anyone free.
I wanted to scream until my lungs bled.

No, I lived the past at night and dreamed in day.
I beat myself with what might have been.
I wanted to scream until my lungs bled.
There seems to be no point in the past.

I beat myself with what might have been.
Does it matter? I'm trying to live.
There seems to be no point in the past.
God-set me free!

Does it matter? I'm trying to live.
A sudden epiphany:
God-set me free!
It happened at last.

A sudden epiphany:
I'm finally free!
It happened at last.
That monkey is off my back.

I long for the time

When freedom sings her triumph to the world.
When victory is guaranteed to all.
When chains fall off and banners are unfurled.
When man is lifted up after his fall.
When mountains crumble into valleys low.
When crooked paths made straight start to appear.
When barren lands and hearts begin to grow.
When all the pain and strife will disappear.
When courage grows where fear was rooted deep.
When hope takes wing like birds migrating north.
When men and women wake from their soul's sleep.
When love bursts dams of anger and flows forth.
When all creation gives up Satan's fraud.
When all will now before You, sovereign God.

Empty, like a bottle

When I look at myself in the mirror,
after making out with some alcohol,
I can't help but hate what I have become.
A useless wretch stares back at me, haunted.
The monkey on my back, Satan's baboon,
whips me and beats me when I try to run.
The nothingness inside spreads like fire
consuming my will to survive past this.
I look at you and wonder sometimes why
you don't hate me the way I have deserved.
I've ruined my life, and yours along with it,
but you're still here by my side, loving me.
Chances given, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth,
seem as wasted as my ravaged body.
I do not know why I do what I do,
only that I cannot undo what's done.
Wretchedness perfumes my decaying state
and your love is the only thing that's pure.
Endless grace, like water to a parched tongue,
flowing over me from your outstretched hand,
washes the dirt from my battle scarred self.
I grasp for tomorrow, for my freedom
to be something more than a shattered shell.

Dream with me

I have seen hell on earth and all the shades of hatred.
I have stood witness to corruption and suffering.
I have seen the world fall in burning cinders,
yet I have a dream.

I have heard the anguished cries of a breaking heart.
I have listened to the drums of war throbbing their song.
I have heard the screaming of the innocent people,
yet I have a dream.

I have felt the dry south wind that brings no thunderstorms.
I have caressed the faces of the dying widows.
I have felt the rancid, burning sting of hopelessness,
yet I have a dream.

I have tasted hunger while it feasted on my flesh.
I have drunk the bitter cup of a friend's betrayal.
I have tasted alkaline defeat many times,
yet I have a dream.

I have smelled the smoke of dreams and hopes set to blazing.
I have scented fear and anguish in my pheremones.
I have smelled the hot decay when everything was dying,
yet I have a dream.

I have dreamed of Heaven's gates opening up for me.
I have had visions of all suffering wiped away.
I have dreamed that this world is a temporary one,
and Heaven awaits.

Sweet freedom

All the kings of Egypt were pussycats
compared to the tyrant that hold me enslaved,
for I cannot even think
without invoking my master's scourge.

He sows death in his fields and harvests me accordingly.

Oh, you should hear him scream
when the dove plucks me,
like seed from a furrow,
away from his grasp.

Sweet abolition of atonement tastes like cool water.

Ritual

The high invocative
uttered in silence
calls forth the worship.

Great piety
offered in servitude
represents the sacrifice.

Drums and hearts pound
sacred ceremony held high
in hopes of a greater blessing.

Who I want to be

Yesterday I was blind, and tomorrow I will be holy, but today I am under construction.

Yesterday I sinned, tomorrow I will be blameless, but today I am taking instruction.

How mighty is my God who makes broken things new!

Yesterday I fell, tomorrow I will be flying, but today I am standing up.

Yesterday I starved, tomorrow I will be feasting, but today I will be drinking your cup.

How mighty is my God who loves me like this!

Yesterday I lost it, tomorrow I'll have it all together, but today I am gathering resolve.

Yesterday I was an animal, tomorrow I will be heavenly, but today I am trying to evolve.

I live under a rock

I live under a Rock.
He is salvation.
My God is King of kings,
My strong foundation.

I live under a Rock.
He redeems the lost. 
He shed his holy blood
He paid my soul's cost.

I live under a Rock.
My shepherd is He.
My guidance, protection
One in Trinity.

Homesick

Homesick, my heart aches for you.
Homeless, my heart is wandering alone.
Worried, my heart fears never finding you.

All at once, it all lets go and I'm home in your arms and it's all okay.

Homesick, my journey is barely started
Homeless, I wait for my forever place
Worried, I still seek my comfort in you

All at once, it all lets go and I'm home in your arms and it's all okay.

Homesick, I know that I don't belong
Homeless, I don't want to live here
Worried, I seek my way back to you

All at once, it all lets go and I'm home in your arms and it's all okay.

Homesick, I yearn for heaven
Homeless, I want my mansion
Worried, I want to come home to you.

Child of Judas

Who knew this child of Judas,
planted in the Potter's field,
would grow like grapes?

Who knew that this child of Jesus
had bitter iniquity
rotting inside?

Child of forgiveness and deceit,
love and betrayal within.
Child of two hearts.

Child of Judas, child of Jesus
torn between two ways of life.
Light and shadow.

Judas' child, born so bitter,
made sweet by the Son's light,
like grapes made good.

Jesus' child, born so alone,
made family by forgiveness
brought home again.

Monochrome

Here I am
alone and broken and drained
lost and hurting and numb.
Where am I?
All the color is gone from my past
There are no memories that can sustain this
All I am, all I was, all I will be has faded
Monochrome.

But there You are, standing with arms wide.
You see me in all my shame, and love me anyway.
You make me not who I am.  I was less than nothing to the world, but everything to You.
You washed me clean, and picked me up.

Here I stand
Healed and filled and treasured
Found and loved and feeling.
Where am I?
Meaning is flooded into my being
There are no words to describe this
All I am, all I was, all I will be has been renewed
Alive

Symptoms of a larger craving

Aimless
Guide me, God, so that I can live joyously for You
Broken
Renew me, Lord, so that I may do Your work
Empty
Fill me, Father, so that I may overflow and share Your truth
Alone
Comfort me, Jesus, so that I may feel love again

Desert soul

My thoughts, half-baked like desert clay,
ascend the arid stretch of reality,
reaching for truth, reaching for peace.
I fall again.

My prayers, gnarled secrets like oak roots,
dig deep into the murky mud of my soul,
reaching for purity, reaching for nourishment.
I fall again.

My eyes, sharp and cold like iron,
pierce the horizon of the world,
reaching for clarity, reaching for meaning.
I fall again.

Come, Lord Jesus, come.
Teach me peace, nourish with truth
give meaning and purity,
and pick me up again.

So sweet a dream

I dreamed last night about my death
and of entering Heaven's door,
You and I walking side by side
down the Elyssian shore.

We talked for hours, days it seemed
about life and all it's meaning.
But I awoke and lost it all,
the words gone with the dreaming.

I mourned the fall, the waking up,
the loss of Heaven's sea.
I cried the most for You, my God,
and Your sudden absence from me.

My day was dark and full of fear
How could I continue on my own?
Trepidation filled my heart,
but You were there; I was never alone.

You picked me up and carried me
and said "Be still, my lamb.
You needed a friend, a guide, a leader,
you should know: I AM."

I was overwhelmed by awe.
I could not say a word.
You were here, right next to me,
and I knew that You were Lord.

Together we walked my life
forever hand in hand.
I couldn't always see you there,
but I knew when You took a stand.

I stumbled still but did not fall,
a smile creased my face.
I know we'll walk the shore again
in that shining place.

I dreamed a dream so sweet last night
of You and me together.
I decided, then, to live my life
so my dream could last forever.

Freedom

I don't know where I'm going
but I trust You'll get me there.
All I am trusts all of You
on a wing and a prayer.

I'm blinded by my own ambition.
Pride ties my arms again.
I'm walking towards perdition,
guided by my selfish sin.

You've freed me from myself,
and opened my blinded eyes,
then turned me back to freedom
and taught my heart to praise

God's country

If I could chase the setting sun
and dance among the stars
and hear the wild eagles scream
I'd know that I am yours.

If I could feel the western wind
and taste the ocean's spray
and lay upon the dune grass
I'd know I'd be okay.

If I could hear the mountains groan
beneath the redwood trees
and smell the feral forest scents
I'd know that I'd be at peace.

Desert blooms

Anxiety grows in my soul, a cactus in the desert.
Panic blooms with a whiskey burn, seeking no peace.
Storm clouds brew on the horizon while lightning flashes.
Ominous rumbles herald the storm, promising cold rain.
Thunderous guilt weighs down my heart and soul.
The storm front overtakes me with hissing and sputtering.
Dust washes off me and forgiveness refreshes my spirit.
The desert blooms, coming alive dressed in hope.

Renewed

This love for you consumes me
my will is not my own
This emotion has become me
this addiction overflows
This feeling overwhelms me
this love is not a choice
This compulsion overtakes me
I can only hear your voice
Your words alone direct me
I'm trapped within my skin
Your laws echo through me
and I'll never fall again